Is 2016 Over Yet?

The transition to three kiddos has been more challenging for me than I have been willing to admit.  Because Alan was 6 weeks preemie, his pediatrician warned that his newborn phase could last much longer than a typical newborn as his "newborn phase" technically wouldn't start until at least his due date and probably later.  He said where it would take most people a couple of months to get their full term babies sleeping through the night, we might not get a good night of sleep for upwards to 6 months and beyond.  I shuddered at the thought, but guessssss what?  He was (and still is!) very right.  Alan is still waking up every 2.5-3 hours a night and seems to be tag teaming with his sisters for the off hours.  Perhaps due to all the change in their lives this year, the girls have both been waking up almost every night as well and Darcie takes the cake with her inconsolable freak outs averaging 2 times a night.  The physical exhaustion of this night time circus on top of the daytime demands of carrying for our three little bugs has taken a major toll on me.  

I have never struggled with depression (postpartum or otherwise) and I still would not classify what I'm feeling as depression, but I definitely have not been myself for what feels a very long time.  The physical, mental and emotional stress of the twin pregnancy, followed by the surgery, Aiden's passing, Alan's premature birth, Aiden's memorial and burial, not to mention selling a house, our 3 moves in 6 weeks and the horrendous back and forth dance we did before buying our new home all took me to the brink of insanity!  Add in the lack of sleep and it has not been pretty.  Some days I am fine and if I can squeak in a power nap while Daphne is at school and the two littles are resting, then I feel like I can function.  Other days I hold it together fairly well, but explode into unexpected sobs over Darcie's third spill during lunch or Daphne's defiance during attempted Family Home Evening.  There have been a few nights where I make it all the way up to nighttime family prayers and finally snap, leaving Burke to put the kids to bed by himself and myself a blubbering mess, crying in bed over what a terrible mother I am!  I am so sad to admit that we have had more tension in our home in the past 4 months than in the entire previous 7.5 years of our marriage.

Another powerful undercurrent at play has been managing the grief of losing Aiden.  I have needed to process everything that happened so badly, but my primary remedy for tumultuous feelings is through writing and it seems there is never time or energy for it anymore.  That is why it has taken me so long to write the first few installments of our journey with the twins - not because I don't want to or because it is too painful, but because I simply can't seem to balance the needs of all three children, my husband and myself.  

All this to explain why I haven't had the chance to finish writing about the heartache of Aiden's passing and burial intermingled with the joy of Alan's birth and the miracles that surrounded us during that difficult time. I probably should have used my writing time more wisely in this rare night where all 3 children are in bed, Burke is at an Elder's Quorum meeting and I am caught up on housework enough that I don't feel guilty about sitting down an emotional purge typefest.  I know everything will look brighter as soon as I can get some legitimate rest, but right now I feel like I am in a constant state of exhaustion and there seems to be no end in sight.  Is 2016 over yet?!