Choosing Aiden's Headstone
In January I decided it was time to finally visit a headstone shop and begin the process of picking a marker for Aiden's grave. It had been at the back of my mind for months, but I kept putting it off as choosing and placing a headstone made everything feel so much more final and real. I kept finding other projects and pressing concerns, but one day I abruptly decided it was time and that it needed to be done now. I called one of the two memorial shops in town and scheduled an appointment for that afternoon directly after Burke got off of work. I then called Burke to notify him of the plan. He was caught off guard as we hadn't even discussed what we wanted, but agreed to have me pick him up and head over right after work.
After I made the phone calls, I busied myself, trying my best to stay in control of my emotions and accept the necessity of this action. On the way to Burke's office I checked the mail and found this butterfly key chain and card from my little sister Tasha's employeer Melissa Clark in New York. Tasha was being a nanny for her twin boys who were born shortly after my boys and when Melissa heard our story she was so thoughtful to send me this token, coming exactly when I needed a boost of courage and kindness. It made me feel as though our Heavenly Father knew the heaviness of my heart and allowed her card to come at the perfect time.
Our experience at the memorial shop was honestly downright weird and uncomfortable. The owner/granite etcher is a young man who does well at his craft, but has very little people skills or presentation finesse. His shop is very strange with a handful of example granite slabs, a computer desk on the left 1/4 of the room and the rest of the space sitting bare and empty. When we came in he was very awkward and unhelpful. It wasn't that he was intentionally insensitive, but it just seemed that he was completely out of touch with the fact that choosing a headstone for our stillborn twin would be a painful experience. Our entire interaction with him was strange from beginning to end, but at one point he mentioned how things had been so slow and he was grateful we had come in so he could pay the bills now. If he hadn't dropped that comment, we would have gone over to the other shop in town to see if we could have a more positive and comforting experience, but Burke and I both felt that our personal aversion to this young man would have to be set aside so we could help him out financially.
The other uncomfortable element from this visit was that Burke and I had never discussed what we had envisioned for Aiden's resting place before sitting down to pick out a marker. Shortly before, a friend had sent me an article about a little boy who had lost his twin to TTTS (Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrom - what we originally thought we had) and in the article it showed a picture of the surviving twin leaning with his back against his brother's headstone. This image had stuck in my head and heart and I knew that I wanted an upright headstone so that if Alan ever felt the need to sit down next to his brother's grave to just "be with him" and visit with him he would be able to do so. This was a very comforting thought to me, but I failed to communicate this to Burke. In his mind, Burke remembered the passing of his stillborn sister Erin when he was 8-years-old and the lovely flat marker they had placed in the Parowan Cemetery for her. So Burke went into the shop with a modest marker in mind while I went in with the idea of an upright headstone. There was a strained moment as we were looking at examples (receiving no guidance from the shop owner) when we somewhat painfully realized that we were coming from completely different places on this decision. All the while the girls were bored and began to whine as Alan fussed in his car seat. I was hurt and angry that they didn't have any sympathy for how hard this was for their mama which of course is ridiculous to think a 2.5 year old and 5 year old could comprehend the situation fully. After a frustrating half hour, we left without any resolution and I felt just awful inside.
Burke and I had a long discussion about our different perspectives and our hopes for his burial spot. Although I knew that Aiden didn't care whether he had a flat marker or a headstone, I did. I didn't want every visit to his grave to be filled with a twinge of sadness in my heart because we had gone with something that I felt was insufficient. It made me realize how often we choose things for those who have gone on not because they need it, but because we as the living feel we need it. Ultimately, although we did not see eye-to-eye on this decision, Burke deferred to me and said he would support me on whatever I felt I needed.
About a month after this discussion, Burke's grandmother Elaine passed away at age 98 (post coming). After her funeral on March 18th and once everyone had cleared away from the cemetery, we went back up to visit Aiden's plot for the first time since his burial in September. I had a lot of guilt for not coming to "see him" before then. Initially it had been due to my c-section recovery and because I was focused night and day on the growth and survival of tiny preemie baby Alan and the adjustment of our little family. Once I began to get my feet under me a bit, it was cold and dreary winter and without a headstone, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find his plot with the snow. At nearly 6 months since his burial on a mild spring day, I finally returned to visit the spot where my baby's body was laid to rest. The cracked red earth seemed so reflective of my cracked and broken heart and I knew I needed a place to come with a fitting memorial to feel close to my son.
Yet it took another month of tactless texts from the memorial shop owner before I was able to stomach the thought of going back in to design our headstone. This time Burke and I went back in better understanding one another's feelings after our previous illuminating conversations and then going to the cemetery to look at other headstones for ideas. Although I decided I definitely wanted to do more than a flat marker, I tried to compromise with a smaller slab and a shorter slanted headstone rather than a full upright. It was quite expensive, but Burke didn't say a word of disagreement and let me know he loved me and our Aiden boy and supported my decision. This was now the end of April and although we had hopes for the headstone to be in by Memorial Day, we were surprised to learn it would a full 2 or 3 months before it could be installed.
On Memorial Day we visited Aiden's grave after attending the city memorial program there at the Parowan Cemetery which had already become a tradition for us over the past several years before driving up the canyon to enjoy food and family at beautiful Co-op Mountain. New sod now covered the red dirt of winter. The girls had picked out a pin wheel from each of us and butterflies from his sissies. The golden arrow was of course to remind us to continue to "Aim for Aiden". Since our first time back to his plot the day of Grandma Elaine's funeral, we had been back many times to visit him, but this day seemed especially heart wrenching to me. I was incredibly touched upon arriving at Co-Op to learn that Catherine and Mat's family had already gone by to visit Aiden and I later learned that Elijah and Marinda drove all the way up from Cedar just to see him as well. It brought me to tears to know that someone else was thinking of him and made my heart ache all over again, wishing we had both of our little boys with us to enjoy the beautiful beginnings of summer.
While the granite was on order, the extra time gave me the opportunity to play with wording and design. I wanted to somehow acknowledge that Aiden and Alan were twins and of that bond between them. I knew I wanted Aiden's arrow, but thought perhaps we could do a big heart overlapped by a small heart to represent the two boys and their love for each other, but every version we tried looked wrong. In the end, we settled on a simple design of Aiden's arrow and clean wording.
How thrilled I was when we finally got the text in July to say that it had been installed. We took a drive to Parowan that very night right before bedtime (hence the jammies on all the babies). It was windy and had been raining throughout the day which seemed fitting for the somber moment it was to look at the last physical tribute we could pay to our baby boy.
After I made the phone calls, I busied myself, trying my best to stay in control of my emotions and accept the necessity of this action. On the way to Burke's office I checked the mail and found this butterfly key chain and card from my little sister Tasha's employeer Melissa Clark in New York. Tasha was being a nanny for her twin boys who were born shortly after my boys and when Melissa heard our story she was so thoughtful to send me this token, coming exactly when I needed a boost of courage and kindness. It made me feel as though our Heavenly Father knew the heaviness of my heart and allowed her card to come at the perfect time.
Our experience at the memorial shop was honestly downright weird and uncomfortable. The owner/granite etcher is a young man who does well at his craft, but has very little people skills or presentation finesse. His shop is very strange with a handful of example granite slabs, a computer desk on the left 1/4 of the room and the rest of the space sitting bare and empty. When we came in he was very awkward and unhelpful. It wasn't that he was intentionally insensitive, but it just seemed that he was completely out of touch with the fact that choosing a headstone for our stillborn twin would be a painful experience. Our entire interaction with him was strange from beginning to end, but at one point he mentioned how things had been so slow and he was grateful we had come in so he could pay the bills now. If he hadn't dropped that comment, we would have gone over to the other shop in town to see if we could have a more positive and comforting experience, but Burke and I both felt that our personal aversion to this young man would have to be set aside so we could help him out financially.
The other uncomfortable element from this visit was that Burke and I had never discussed what we had envisioned for Aiden's resting place before sitting down to pick out a marker. Shortly before, a friend had sent me an article about a little boy who had lost his twin to TTTS (Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrom - what we originally thought we had) and in the article it showed a picture of the surviving twin leaning with his back against his brother's headstone. This image had stuck in my head and heart and I knew that I wanted an upright headstone so that if Alan ever felt the need to sit down next to his brother's grave to just "be with him" and visit with him he would be able to do so. This was a very comforting thought to me, but I failed to communicate this to Burke. In his mind, Burke remembered the passing of his stillborn sister Erin when he was 8-years-old and the lovely flat marker they had placed in the Parowan Cemetery for her. So Burke went into the shop with a modest marker in mind while I went in with the idea of an upright headstone. There was a strained moment as we were looking at examples (receiving no guidance from the shop owner) when we somewhat painfully realized that we were coming from completely different places on this decision. All the while the girls were bored and began to whine as Alan fussed in his car seat. I was hurt and angry that they didn't have any sympathy for how hard this was for their mama which of course is ridiculous to think a 2.5 year old and 5 year old could comprehend the situation fully. After a frustrating half hour, we left without any resolution and I felt just awful inside.
Burke and I had a long discussion about our different perspectives and our hopes for his burial spot. Although I knew that Aiden didn't care whether he had a flat marker or a headstone, I did. I didn't want every visit to his grave to be filled with a twinge of sadness in my heart because we had gone with something that I felt was insufficient. It made me realize how often we choose things for those who have gone on not because they need it, but because we as the living feel we need it. Ultimately, although we did not see eye-to-eye on this decision, Burke deferred to me and said he would support me on whatever I felt I needed.
About a month after this discussion, Burke's grandmother Elaine passed away at age 98 (post coming). After her funeral on March 18th and once everyone had cleared away from the cemetery, we went back up to visit Aiden's plot for the first time since his burial in September. I had a lot of guilt for not coming to "see him" before then. Initially it had been due to my c-section recovery and because I was focused night and day on the growth and survival of tiny preemie baby Alan and the adjustment of our little family. Once I began to get my feet under me a bit, it was cold and dreary winter and without a headstone, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find his plot with the snow. At nearly 6 months since his burial on a mild spring day, I finally returned to visit the spot where my baby's body was laid to rest. The cracked red earth seemed so reflective of my cracked and broken heart and I knew I needed a place to come with a fitting memorial to feel close to my son.
Yet it took another month of tactless texts from the memorial shop owner before I was able to stomach the thought of going back in to design our headstone. This time Burke and I went back in better understanding one another's feelings after our previous illuminating conversations and then going to the cemetery to look at other headstones for ideas. Although I decided I definitely wanted to do more than a flat marker, I tried to compromise with a smaller slab and a shorter slanted headstone rather than a full upright. It was quite expensive, but Burke didn't say a word of disagreement and let me know he loved me and our Aiden boy and supported my decision. This was now the end of April and although we had hopes for the headstone to be in by Memorial Day, we were surprised to learn it would a full 2 or 3 months before it could be installed.
On Memorial Day we visited Aiden's grave after attending the city memorial program there at the Parowan Cemetery which had already become a tradition for us over the past several years before driving up the canyon to enjoy food and family at beautiful Co-op Mountain. New sod now covered the red dirt of winter. The girls had picked out a pin wheel from each of us and butterflies from his sissies. The golden arrow was of course to remind us to continue to "Aim for Aiden". Since our first time back to his plot the day of Grandma Elaine's funeral, we had been back many times to visit him, but this day seemed especially heart wrenching to me. I was incredibly touched upon arriving at Co-Op to learn that Catherine and Mat's family had already gone by to visit Aiden and I later learned that Elijah and Marinda drove all the way up from Cedar just to see him as well. It brought me to tears to know that someone else was thinking of him and made my heart ache all over again, wishing we had both of our little boys with us to enjoy the beautiful beginnings of summer.
How thrilled I was when we finally got the text in July to say that it had been installed. We took a drive to Parowan that very night right before bedtime (hence the jammies on all the babies). It was windy and had been raining throughout the day which seemed fitting for the somber moment it was to look at the last physical tribute we could pay to our baby boy.
Although tears were shed, I was so grateful that night to have Aiden's headstone resolved and in place at last, nearly a year after his passing. It had been an unconscious weight on my heart and I felt so grateful for the means and support of my husband to be able to honor him the way I had yearned to. It's my hope that this will continue to be a place for us to come to feel close to Aiden, especially for Alan in the coming years and as a permanent reminder that though he may be separated from us physically, he is still an integral part of our little family now and eternally. Love you so my Aiden Burke.
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