Bad Mom Syndrome and The Audience

I have been struggling the past few months with labeling myself as a "Bad Mom".  As Daphne has aged, we have come to realize that we are dealing with a very strong personality in a very small body.  This little lady is a firecracker!  She loves to laugh and have fun.  She loves to run and make messes and do naughty things.  

Usually, this BIG energy is not a BIG deal.  At home, we have our routine.  We have fun, we get things done, and throughout the day I can discipline gently, but firmly while she screams her head off because I won't let her run around naked.  I know, I know, mean Mom, right? :)  But really, the tantrums are no big thing at home.  I remain calm, she learns she doesn't always get her way and we move on.  However, I have come to realize that the hardest thing about parenting for me is The Audience. 

Come on, you know who I'm talking about.  The Audience is anyone who happens to be in the vicinity when my child acts out and then turns with eagle-eyed fascination to observe my every move, every word, every look I give while trying to teach my daughter the proper way to behave.  In fact, chances are you've been a part of The Audience before.  The Audience often doesn't say or do anything.  They don't point fingers and whisper behind hands.  They don't raise eyebrows or cross their arms in disgust. The Audience throws off my groove just by being there at all!

Observe the following video.  I am Kuzco.  I am rocking my motherhood!  I'm happy to be alive and parenting like a pro.  UNTIL I bump into The Audience.  UGH!  Sometimes I wish I could just throw them out a window too.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tePa0CI478k)

This is when the Bad Mom Syndrome kicks in.  I try to discipline in public the same way I do in private, but I can't help but feel like everything I'm doing is horribly wrong when I have The Audience watching.  I worry if I'm coming across too strict.  Or am I too lenient?  Should I have let Parent A's kid knock my daughter over and ignored it?  Do I come across as a beast when I tell Kid B that Daphne doesn't like soccer balls thrown in her face?  What about when Daphne's the culprit and swats at her cousin?  Is my reaction too strong when I take her by the hands and tell her sternly that we don't hit and have her give hugs and apologies.  Is it too little?  Too much?  Oh no!  I reacted wrong again, I'm such a Bad Mom!  There are so many theories and approaches out there, it gets exhausting trying to keep up with what everyone else thinks you should be doing.  I inevitably end up over-analyzing and stressed about my methods when we get around other people and my parenting is on display.

Normally, I just try to do our thing and pretend like I don't notice The Audience watching, but it's especially hard for me when I get around family.  Each of my siblings and their spouses (plus in-laws and spouses too) have a different approach to parenting and they're all excellent parents in their own way.  I tend to compare myself to them and go into "Bad Mom Mode" when we're together and Daphne starts acting out.  But the worst thing about it is that Daphne is usually at her very worst behavior with her cousins because she is so social and refuses to sleep or eat while we are together in fear that she'll miss out on the fun.  This results in a cranky baby who flips out at the slightest provocation.

This exact scenario happened a couple of weeks ago when my parents and Tasha were in town.  We were in St. George with the Ridings and Daphne had refused to nap or eat lunch, but did great playing with her cousins throughout the afternoon.  When dinner came around, we decided to go out to eat.  To make a long story short, Daphne was a train wreck.  By the end of the meal, I was on the verge of tears, so embarrassed and so unsure of myself with "Bad Mom, Bad Mom, Bad Mom" on repeat in my mind.  

When I apologized to my parents, my Mom said something that was so simple, but that hit me so strong.  She said, "Oh Emma, anyone who has been a parent understands, and those who haven't, never will."  

It was like a light bulb clicked on.  Every parent has been here.  Everyone knows what it's like to want your child to behave and to have the discomfort of having to keep them in line while others watch.  The way I discipline may not be the way you discipline, but we are both trying our best to be "Good Parents".

I feel like I've been doing a lot better the past week at relaxing and giving myself credit for the things I am doing well.  For one thing, my daughter is a happy child.  She is loved.  She is not perfect, but neither am I and neither are you.  We're working on it and I'm sure we'll continue to be "working on it" for the next 17 years until she flies the nest.  For now I will try to accept The Audience for what they are and stay true to myself no matter who is watching.  I think that's what a Good Mom would try to do, don't you?