# 5 - The Journey with Twins: Post Surgery until the Scheduled C-Section

*Originally posted on January 21, 2017 - Dates changed so the Journey with Twins posts could all be found in one spot together.

The jet ride home - they drained so much fluid during the surgery and my belly felt so much smaller on the flight home, but looking at this picture I see that I was still massive!  There was much less pressure on my spine as well which was a huge physical relief.

The flight home from Los Angeles was uneventful and we waited anxiously for our next appointment in St. George with our high risk doctor to check in on the little guys.  I wasn't supposed to lift anything so I could heal from the surgery and Dr. Chmait had recommended a partial bed rest to see if it would help Baby A.  Burke would wait to go to work in the morning until Darcie woke up and was lifted out of her crib and my amazing 5-year-old, Daphne, would help me lift Darcie in and out of her crib for nap time.  The next week my angel mother would come to join us and stayed to help take care of me for nearly 3 weeks until she was confident I wouldn't hurt myself or set back my recovery.  I could write a whole post (and probably will!) about all that she did for me over the next few months, but suffice it to say for now that we couldn't have done it without her selfless sacrifice.

We had arrived home on a Wednesday afternoon and thought we would lay low for a while, but unfortunately God had other plans for us.  Please keep in mind that we had already moved twice over the past 4 weeks and we were currently renting my brother's home while his family lived in Ankara, Turkey.  He works at the embassy and had felt uneasy about the increase in terrorist attacks.  They had bought the home as a backup plan right about the time we sold our home and the timing seemed too perfect, such a blessing for us to have a place to land while we built our home.  However, with all the craziness with the babies, our house plans had been put on the back burner and we hadn't even selected a builder yet.  Two days after we arrived home from the LA, on Friday, July 15, we woke up to learn that a military coup was erupting that day in Turkey.  Of course our first concern was for Elijah, Marinda and their 4 boys and we were grateful to know they were safe and sound.  The next shock came as we realized this meant they would be evacuating from Turkey within a matter of days or weeks and we would need to move for the third time as we continued to deal with this turbulent pregnancy.  Although we had our hearts set on building in our favorite neighborhood and staying in our ward, I could not handle the idea of moving again after this next move, so I immediately got on the phone with our realtor and tried to find a solution to our housing dilemma.  In hind sight, canning the building project was a huge blessing in disguise as I desperately needed stability and building would have added a whole layer of stress beyond what I could cope with.  I'm realizing all the details of our housing situation need a whole post on their own, so I will leave out all the details of a host of twists and turns and tell you that we ended up renting a house in the exact neighborhood we had wanted to build in to begin with.  Look for a housing saga post later.

In a weird way, the housing upheaval was a good distraction as it helped to keep my mind off of the sickening stress of how our babies were doing.  I felt them move so rarely the week between the surgery and our next MFM appointment and cried each night before bed, so worried that we may have already lost them.  Any small flutter at all was encouraging to me, but I knew that our Baby B, our strong one, was situated high above his brother, so even when I felt movement above, I worried about the condition of Baby A below.

When we met with Dr. Hales a week later, it was with tremendous relief that we saw both babies's hearts were still beating.  However, the surgery had done nothing to increase our Baby A's growth and all of the concerns they had for him before the surgery were still manifesting from the small amniotic fluid pockets, reversed diastolic blood flow into his heart and stunted growth.  Baby A was measuring around 1 lb at this appointment and Baby B was now over 50% bigger at well over 2 lbs.

Another concern that manifested during this appointment was Baby A's umbilical cord.  A normal baby's umbilical cord has 2 arteries and 1 blood vein, but during our ultrasound there was now only 1 vein and 1 artery visible.  (Brief explanation on this condition HERE).  I felt so discouraged as they searched and searched for the other artery and wondered how much more our precious little baby could possibly take.

Dr. Hales had never come right out and said that our Baby A's case was hopeless, but in that appointment he admitted for the first time that he did not expect our son to last until our next appointment.  As before when Dr. Chmait had told us of the high probability of Baby A passing, it was incredibly painful to hear Dr. Hales express the same opinion.  He agreed with Dr. Chmait that it would be unwise to take the babies so prematurely, especially because it might mean serious consequences for our Baby B who was otherwise developing wonderfully. In case we decided to intervene in the next couple of weeks, Dr. Hales ordered 2 steroid shots to be given to promote accelerated lung and body development for the babies.  Our wonderful nurse Suzanne gave me the first one in my rear before we left (ouch!!) and my nurse sister-in-law, LeeAnn, gave me the second the following evening (very eventful with blood all over her hands - hilarious and super gross!).

Burke always tried to bring a bit of humor into our situation - he took a picture of me with a beard on his phone and sent it out in a text to our families saying the steroids were having a weird affect on me! :) Ha!

As was the case with most of our MFM appointments, I waited until we got to the car and cried on the way to the Ridings house to pick up our girls.  A few blocks before I would try to pull myself together so we could greet our little ladies cheerfully and try not to stress them out with our distress.  Knowing we were packing up everything to move again, that our little man could pass at any time or we might take them early and end up with months of NICU time, worrying about the effect this was having on our daughters, stressing over loans going on at Burke's work and especially the physical toll of the pregnancy all began to add up and feel like they were closing in on me.  And yet, what could we do?  We had to try and carry on optimistically, cheerfully and faithfully.

Very fitting shirt we saw at a clothing boutique

Due to the ward fast that had been initiated on our behalf, I felt like the best way to update so many people all at once would be to turn to Facebook.  After the surgery, I posted a very brief update and was floored by the huge outpouring of love and concern that was both touching and embarrassing to me as friends and neighbors stopped by with meals and gifts and messages.  I had been super hesitant to post anything because I didn't want our struggles to seem like a cry for attention.  I hadn't felt like I needed any other support, but as people sent messages telling they were praying for us and our family members continued to fast and pray for us, I literally began to feel a "lifting" of strain from off my shoulders.  Hundreds of people were praying for us - and we could feel it!

We had been told to wait until 32 weeks before taking the babies and Burke's original Priesthood blessing made us feel secure in waiting until that point.  We told anyone who asked that we were banking on a miracle.  We had unshakable faith that the boys were going to arrive whole and healthy and blow all the medical data out of the water.  We just knew it.

And yet I still felt that I had to leave a small possibility open that things might not turn out the way we hoped.  When my Dad was a young man, he had returned from his two year LDS mission to Japan at the same time his Grandma B was dying.  The family felt like he was the closest to the Spirit, so he was asked to give her a priesthood blessing.  As he did, he blessed her to be healed and felt confident about the blessing he had given.  Grandma B died the very next day and it rocked my Dad to the core as he wondered if he had blessed her with what he wanted or if he truly had followed the will of God in saying what he did.  I thought of this story often during this time, wondering if it was possible that the wording from Burke's blessing could be taken as "whole and healthy" in spirit, but perhaps not in body?  One of my greatest concerns was that one or both of the babies would have some kind of special needs and I wondered how I would handle that as a mother and how we would handle it as a family.  It seemed like anything could happen.  Again, I was planning on a miracle, but I still mulled over these possibilities in my head, afraid to discuss them with anyone.

About a week after my mom came, she stayed with the girls one night so Burke and I could go on a date.  We had barely driven down the road when I said something along the lines of, "Burkie, if the babies end up having problems..." to which he responded curtly, "They won't."  The way he cut me off left no room for discussion and hurt me to the core.  We drove the rest of the way to the theater and sat through the first act in stony silence.  At intermission we both decided we didn't want to sit through the remainder (it was an awful play and had already dropped 2 F bombs - no thanks) and we started to drive home, ticked that we had spent $50 bucks on a crappy play, ticked that our highly anticipated date night (the first in months!) was turning into a bust and ticked at ourselves for letting it.  Thank goodness neither of us can stand having tension between us for long.  Burke suggested that we grab something to eat so we hit a drive through and drove to the Cedar City Temple construction site.

There in the shadow of the Lord's house, we talked and talked for almost two hours, delving into our feelings about what we were experiencing with the babies, our housing situation, our questions, our doubts and our faith.  Burke didn't want to leave any room for doubt and didn't like when I said things like, "If things don't turn out the way we think..."  But I felt that by preparing my heart for any possibility (healthy babies, handicapped babies, or even deceased babies), it would help me process anything that the future might hold.  I didn't think that allowing myself to think through all the scenarios was a sign of disbelief.

I was putting my faith in a God of miracles.  I knew He could heal our babies.  I knew He could get them to us "whole and healthy" if that was His plan for them.  I was asking for a miracle and I was planning on one.  But I was also preparing my heart if He had other plans in store for us and our sons.  

From the night of that conversation, I felt like Burke and I were completely united.  We were aiming for 32 weeks and we were confident we would make it.  The first appointment we had with Dr. Hales after he had told us our Baby A might not make it, I smiled with confidence as they found his little heartbeat.  With horrible bedside manner, but with the candor we had come to love in him, Dr. Hales said, "I can't believe it! I thought for sure after our last appointment he was just going to role over and die."  Uhhh?  Good thing we knew how much he cared about us or I could have been super upset by that tactless comment.  We reassured Dr. Hales that we were confident that he would make it the remaining 5 weeks.

Week by blessed week our little men kept holding on.

We began to be monitored in Cedar City with Dr. Sanders again with non-stress tests (NSTs) at the hospital or his office twice a week, often taking as long as 4 hours as they tried to get 20 minute readings of our babies' heart beats.  In the midst of all this my blood pressure soared and they worried about preeclampsia resulting in more appointments.  My blood sugar soared and they worried about gestational diabetes resulting in more tests and appointment (finally passed 2 out of 3 blood draws on the 4 hour test).  It seemed like everything that could be going wrong WAS going wrong.  I had appointments nearly every day.  And yet through it all, I felt at peace.  I was optimistic and full of faith.  Exhausted, but sustained.

During one of many NST tests they couldn't find Baby A's heartbeat (it happened that way most times) and took us in for an ultrasound to see where he was positioned. Our tech snapped a few 3D pictures while we were in there and we came away with this amazing image of Baby A cupping Baby B's head in his hands.  To us, it felt like he was saying, "Come on brother, we can do it!"

At our 30 week appointment we began to talk about a plan for the NICU.  We had less than 2 weeks left to our magical 32 week mark and we were going to make it.  We met with one of the directors of NICU, Dr. Carrol and made a game plan.  He said since our Baby A was still so small (only having gained 5 ounces in the 5 weeks since surgery (1.5 lbs total) while Baby B had gained nearly 2 more pounds putting him up to 4 lbs) that he could be in the NICU for nearly 3 months, but our Baby B may only have a month.  He warned us that due to the severe lack of nutrients that Baby A had received it was very possible that he was in danger of a host of mental and physical problems, but that we wouldn't know until he arrived.  He agreed with Dr. Chmait and Dr. Hales that we had done the right thing not intervening too early and said that the next two weeks were some of the most critical, dramatically decreasing the chances of Baby B having problems with cerebral palsy, spina bifida, blindness, etc.  He was encouraging and optimistic, amazed as all of our staff had been that we had made it this far and anxious to get Baby A out to give him a better chance at survival once he was detached from his poor placental placement.

30 Weeks.  I ordered that dress and it was the only thing I felt cute in.  Only a handful of my other maternity clothes fit anymore and I had been measuring "full term" for a normal 40 week pregnancy since our 28 week appointment.  The angle of this picture is actually flattering - I was SOOO big and soooo uncomfortable!

On Monday, August 22, they took this gorgeous 3D ultrasound picture of Baby A's face pressed up against Baby B's cheek, looking for all the world like he was kissing his brother's cheek.  Though Baby A hadn't grown at all and his brother was almost 3 times his size, both little hearts were still going.  The entire staff could not have been more delighted for us as they scheduled us for a C-section on Monday, August 29.  We were elated.  We had made it!  Our strong little fighters had made it all the way to the ideal 32 weeks we had been aiming towards for nearly 2 months!  Yes, it was still two months before a normal baby is born and the next chapter had so many unknown variables, but it was all going to work out!  We sent out texts to our families full of excitement and hope.

Burke and the girls sitting across from me as we went out to eat for the last time as a family of 4!

One huge challenge was that Cedar City is not equipped with a NICU for babies born before 36 weeks and we would have the c-section in St. George an hour away, meaning that we would have to find somewhere to live during the weeks and months of NICU time.  My saint of a sister Cassie immediately called when she heard of our dilemma and offered her basement for our use.  She was planning on helping me as much as possible, watching the girls when she could so I could go nurse the babies at the NICU.  I was so touched by her generosity and so willing and grateful to accept her help.

It was clear that Burke would still have to be in Cedar City during the week to work and we didn't have tons of time he could take off to be with us, but we came up with a functional game plan.  We decided he would work Mondays and Tuesdays and drive to be with us in St. George on Tuesday nights at the Ridings.  He would then take Wednesdays off of work and spend the whole day taking turns with the girls and the babies, spend the night Wednesday and get up early Thursday morning to drive back to Cedar and work Thursday and Friday before joining us Friday night again.  We figured with church callings and to have one stable thing in our girls's lives (as well as to give the Ridings a break from us for a day) we would head home Saturday night to Cedar, go to our regular ward in Cedar on Sundays and then the girls and I would drive back to St. George on Sunday night.  It was crazy, but we felt like we could make it work.  The last complicated puzzle piece was that Daphne would be starting Kindergarten 4 days before the scheduled c-section.  We talked to her school and the school in St. George and decided we would put her in kindergarten in St. George with her cousins Jade and Millie for the duration of our time in St. George.  I tried really hard to talk up this plan to Daphne and succeeded in getting her jazzed and in the end she was so excited to go to school with her cousins.  Although we were all nervous for the coming months, I felt like the time would fly by in a whirlwind.

Daphne's first day of Kindergarten on August 25.  This little lady went through so much change and upheaval and was still cheerful and fun to be around despite it all!

With everything as organized as possible, my Mom came down on Sunday, August 28 and we caravaned down to St. George where Catherine (Burke's sister who was due with baby #4 in September) hosted us and the Ridings for a lovely night-before-babies dinner.  

On the drive down to St. George that night we had finally decided on names for the babies at last.  Baby A we decided would be our Aiden Burke.  Aiden means "Little Fire" and it felt perfect for our amazing son who had fought so hard for months and inspired us all.  Baby B we decided to name Alan David.  Alan means "Little Rock" and it felt perfect for our wonderful son who had managed to grow healthy and strong during the long challenging months.  Alan is also significant to us because Burke's first name is actually Alan (he goes by his middle name) and his Dad, who is also a twin, is named Alan.  The David comes from my Dad.  We love family names and as both of our girls have their grandmothers's names, it was perfect to honor both grandfathers's as well as Burke.  We had been uncertain about names all along which is why we had always referred to them as Baby A and Baby B, but as we finally landed on their names in that drive, Burke and I were both grinning from ear to ear, so excited to meet them in the morning!

Read the next installment in The Journey with Twins: Aiden's Passing