#9 - The Journey with Twins: The Dream

* Originally posted on March 27, 2017 - Dates changed so the Journey with Twins posts could all be found in one spot together.

**I recorded this experience on Burke's laptop a day or two after the twin's birth.  It was remarkable to me that their birth in the dream coincided with my real labor and their birth that day. 

Somewhere in the transitional hours of night and morning, Sunday September 11 fading into Monday, September 12, I began to have more frequent (and painful) contractions.  I remember subconsciously thinking I should try to peel my eyes open each time and look at the clock to track how many I was having, but sleep always grabbed a hold of me and pulled me back under its cozy veil, nestled softly in dreamland. 

Around 2 AM, I found myself deep in a dream that felt so intertwined with reality that I couldn’t distinguish whether or not I was awake. I found myself dreaming that I was laying right there in our bed when I suddenly sat bolt upright screaming as a contraction began pushing the babies right out of me.  Burke jerked awake as I screamed, “Burkie! They’re coming!” Not knowing what to do, he came to the foot of the bed and ripped the covers off, preparing to catch the babies as they came hurtling into the world.  As I lay screaming and crying, Daphne ran into our bedroom with terror in her little eyes yelling, “Mommy?!”  I remember looking over at her and realizing that she was experiencing way too much for her young innocence to process and yet with Burke busy delivering the babies, and me consumed with the pain of getting them here, I knew I couldn’t shield her from seeing this.  I simply said, “I’m so sorry sweetheart!” and went back to pushing!  Burke was able to deliver both the babies, but didn’t know how to cut their umbilical cords, so he laid them on my chest and grabbed Daphne by the hand, pulling her into the living room so he could find his phone and call an ambulance.

I remember having a moment of still as I looked at Baby Alan in my right arm.  Both of the babies were larger than newborns in the dream and they looked clean and fresh as if they had just been bathed.  I remember thinking how breathtakingly beautiful Alan was, but felt unable to turn and look at Baby Aiden in my other arm, anticipating that his little body would be quite deteriorated from having passed away in utero weeks earlier.  Yet suddenly I felt a slight squirming in my left arm and I turned to look at Aiden who to my utmost disbelief was smiling up at me with his eyes closed and gently moving around in my arm.  Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I called out to Burke.  In he ran, worried about the baby and I, but I began to yell, “He’s here Burkie! We were wrong!  Aiden is here!”  He began to weep as he stared at the babies in disbelief.  “Quick! Call 911!” I demanded, “We have to get these babies to the hospital immediately!” 

Burke called and in the dream, the responders showed up, took the babies in their arms and walked around the right hand wall in our bedroom which turned into viewing windows looking into a NICU unit where they put the babies in plastic hospital bassinets and began hooking them up to wires and monitors.

Right then (still in the dream), my Dad called.  He said that he had a feeling something was happening and asked if we were all right.  Through tears I told him that the babies had been born and that Aiden was alive and well!  I expected him to weep and rejoice, but instead he said gently, “That’s wonderful sweetie, why don’t you go get some rest.”  I couldn’t understand his response, but Mom (who was on speaker phone with him) reacted similarly when she said, “You’re probably so tired Emily, let Burke take you back to bed.”  I hung up with them feeling heartbroken and confused.  I turned to Burkie and wailed, “Why don’t they believe me?!”  Burke just shook his head as I stood up and hobbled over to the NICU windows to look at the babies.  But Baby Aiden was nowhere in sight. I became quite distraught and said to Burkie over and over again, “But he was here!  You saw him Burkie.  He was here!  Aiden was here, you saw him.”

I was pulled from the dream as a stabbing contraction ripped through me.  I clicked my phone and saw that it truly was 2 AM.  However, rather than feeling disturbed and upset by the dream I felt very calm as I tuned into the contraction and felt it fade away.  I thought to myself, “The babies are coming today.” And then I drifted back to sleep.

A few things that stuck out to me in the dream was how Daphne knew exactly what was going on, but couldn’t be shielded from it.  I have felt that many times throughout this difficult year that she was much too young to be experiencing so much turmoil and heartache.  I have wondered how much she understands, how much of it affects her and how much she is oblivious to.  It was painful to me in the dream (and in reality) that I couldn’t protect her and shield her from the experiences we have gone through with the twins.  As in the dream and real life, I have worried how it is going to affect her long term.

The next thing I noticed was how Burkie was right there by my side through it all.  That is also true to real life.  I could not have made it through this year without his love and support.  It was significant to me that he was just as emotionally affected by the babies as I was.

And of course the fact that Aiden “was here” stuck out to me profoundly.  He was here, even though we never got to hold him while living and raise him with his brother, he was here and he is still a part of our family.  His influence will be felt rippling through our family forever.

Read the next installment: "The Journey with Twins: The Birth Story"