#8 - The Journey with Twins: The Aftermath

*Originally posted on March 27, 2017 - Dates changed so the Journey with Twins posts could all be found in one spot together.

Two weeks passed between the time we had expected to take the twins via c-section.  Two weeks filled with incredible acts of generosity, sympathy, kindness and love on behalf of our family.  Two weeks full of many more appointments with heartbreaking ultrasounds viewing Aiden's slowly decomposing body and Alan's constantly active form.

In that time frame, we also were confronted with yet another trial that nearly pushed me over the edge into a full on mental break down.  See our "Moving Saga" post for the details, but the short of it was that 2 days after Aiden had passed, the family we had started renting from at the start of August decided to put their home back on the market.  Although I had turned to the Lord in our darkest moments during the loss of Aiden, when Burke brought me the news, I was so blindsided (and the thought of having to move again for the FOURTH time that summer) that it felt far too much for me on top of everything else we had just endured.  I have never had a panic attack before, but as Burke tried to delicately break the news to me, I felt as though I was on the verge of one as my heart began to race and my breathing became heavy and labored.  I was in complete shock as I tried to hold back the hysteria rising within me.  Somehow I had been making it through the loss of our child, but this latest housing dilemma felt like Life was kicking us while we were down.  I squeezed my eyes shut and blew out long breaths of air, repeating again and again, "Okay.  We can do this.  We can do this.  We can do this."

And yet, despite my desperate attempt to convince myself we were capable of leaping another life hurdle, I felt I simple couldn't handle one more upset.  For the first time since Aiden's silent heartbeat had shattered our world, I became completely consumed with anger.  How could they do this?  Didn't they know what had just happened?!  I felt their decision and timing was completely heartless.  My son was gone and I needed life to stand still for more than a day to mourn the loss of all the plans I had made for these special twins.  It was as if that sacred time of grief was being stolen from me as now we would have to scramble to find another place to live, repack everything for the fourth time and put our daughters through yet another rollercoaster of changing plans.

Although the grief over Aiden had been intense, Burke knew that I had still be in possession of my mind during that time.  However, as I wobbled on the brink of a mental collapse in our bedroom, he knew I had reached my absolute breaking point.  He quickly rushed over and held me close, trying to calm me down and reassure me that it would all be ok.

It was at that point that I put a screeching halt on the chaos in my mind and made a conscious decision.  Yes, it all felt like too much.  Yes, I felt betrayed and livid.  Yes, the timing was horrible.  But I would not let this moment destroy me.  It took me a few minutes, but I stopped my tears and told Burkie, "I am not a wallow-er.  We will get through this.  I don't know how, but we will get through this."

What had been yet another horrible turn of events turned into a moment of triumph.  I remember so clearly Burke's grin as he said, "My love for you just grew all over again!  You are an amazing woman Emily."

And in that moment, I felt like I was.  I felt like most people in my circumstance would have crumbled months ago, but with Heavenly Father's significant help and through the power of Jesus Christ's atonement, I was still standing.  I would not be defeated.  I must admit that in that moment, I couldn't believe this was happening to us.  I felt that the Lord had been pleased with the way we had chosen to respond to Aiden's loss with faith and perseverance, but I guess I had been banking on blessings coming almost as some form of payment for our faith.  I know the gospel doesn't work that way, but if I am being honest, somewhere in my mind I felt like crying out, "Didn't we pass the test already?!  Wasn't losing Aiden enough?  I thought our trial was over?  Why is this happening?!"

As we discussed the housing issue, Burke and I both replaced our feelings of frustration and disbelief with an attitude of acceptance.  Obviously the family we were renting from needed to move forward with their lives and weren't trying to be hurtful.  Yes, their timing was shockingly horrible, no doubt about it.  However, we knew the Lord wasn't punishing us and must have had confidence in our ability to handle the trials that were being heaped upon us.  We instead tried to put on a different lens with which to view our experience.  Rather than asking, "Why us, Lord?"  We would instead ask, "Lord, what would you have us learn from this experience?  What would you have us do?"

Over the next 10 days, our time was spent at appointments, searching for a new home to buy or rent and trying to stay cheerful for our daughters.  Daphne was getting into the swing of kindergarten and absolutely loved being at school.  My mom joined us for a couple of days and then returned to Logan, promising she would bolt back down as soon as baby Alan was set to be born.  My doctors warned that with Aiden's passing, my body may react as though I had experienced a miscarriage and try to flush out the babies, meaning I could go into labor at any time.  I was grateful for the extra time Alan was receiving in utero, but worried that with each passing day, Aiden would continue to decompose.  I was heartsick to think that if too much time passed, I would never get the chance to hold my precious son in my arms.

I was measuring well over 40 weeks now and was in so much pain at night that I was constantly shifting in bed to relieve back pain or leg cramps and got up several times each night to go to the bathroom.  My feet were so swollen I could barely stay up for more than an hour without being in pain and even walking upstairs I would get light headed and have to rest after a few steps.  The physical discomfort was near constant, but the emotional pain overshadowed it all.  I cried at some point every day, usually in the privacy of a closet or bathroom, wiped my eyes and put on a smile for my girls and my husband.  About a week after Aiden passed, at 33 weeks pregnant, I sobbed to Burke one night about how badly I just wanted this all to be over.  The thought of having to go the full 37 weeks for twins and enduring another month was torture.

One thing that helped to alleviate the stress and heartache at this time were the numerous acts of service on behalf of our family.  Meals were brought in by loving family and ward members, cards, flowers and gifts were dropped off and packages sent.  Burke's company sent us a gorgeous flower arrangement both after my surgery and after Aiden passed.  My wonderful friend and neighbor Annie frequently invited my girls over to play so I could rest and darling Tracie Torgerson picked up groceries for me at Costco. My mother-in-law sent over an entire cooler full of frozen meals and treats.  Two of my very best friends from high school sent gift cards and flowers.  My family went in together and shipped a beautiful rose topiary for us to plant in Aiden's memory.

Burke and I with the rose topiary my family sent for us to plant in honor of Aiden.  Photo taken on Sunday, September 4, 2016 - 33 weeks pregnant.

My sister Chelsea sent a gorgeous necklace with two interlocked silver circles with "Aiden" and "Alan" stamped on the metal.  Cassie gave us a tile with the comforting quote, "Because someone we love is in Heaven, there's a little bit of Heaven in our home."  Each time we received an act of kindness or another package arrived, I would melt into a puddle of tears and then quickly try to regain composure so my little ladies wouldn't be upset.  To know that so many people were thinking about us, praying for us and mourning with us was deeply touching to us at this time.

There were so many more kind acts and I still have a list on my desk of all the people I still need to send thank-you cards to, although it might be too embarrassing to send them now after 6 months!  However, a few in particular stand out in my mind whenever I think of that difficult time.

The first was the day I received a shipment of flowers and a package from the amazing mothers on Mormon Mom's of Multiples - the Facebook Group I had been added to a couple of months into my pregnancy with over 3,000 multiples mamas.  Though I only knew a handful of the mamas personally, I grew to love that group and feel close to them collectively.  One night I got a message from Katie Richards Carone, a MMoM mama who had been taking up a collection for myself and 4 other mamas who had lost one or both of their twins in recent months.  She asked for my address and a few days later I was shocked when 36 gorgeous yellow roses were delivered as well as a necklace with the boys's names stamped on them connected to a silver pea pod charm with two pearls inside - one blue for Alan and one white for Aiden.  They also included a sketch of Jesus Christ lovingly kissing the head of an infant as he cradles him close to his chest.  The MMoM also raised enough money to donate $200 dollars to us to help with the cost of the burial or a headstone!  I couldn't believe that perfect strangers had been so generous with their funds and that Katie Carone had been so selfless to organize the whole thing to begin with.  Months later I found out that Katie was dealing with intense health issues and struggles of her own, which made her service even more remarkable to me as she very well could have used the very help she was rendering.  What an amazing woman.

A second package arrived a few days later from my dear friend Whitney (Labeau) King.  I had been keeping Whitney and Josie updated on the babies for months and had sent them a text following Aiden's passing with the following scripture from 1 Peter that had brought us so much comfort (see the previous post "The Journey with Twins: Where the Rubber Hits the Road" for a detailed description of our experience with this miraculous scripture).

I was coming home from another doctor appointment and had swung by the neighborhood mailboxes on the way back and opened the package in the car.  When I saw what it contained, I sobbed and sobbed and could barely make it the half block back to our house.  Burke was out on the front porch with the girls and was super concerned when I got out of the car, still bawling, until I showed him the gorgeous necklace engraved on four sides that read, "Aiden Burke, 1 Peter 1:6-9, Whom having not seen, ye love."  He too was incredibly touched by Whitney's poignant and perfect gift.

In the months that have followed, each time I wear the necklaces given to me by the MMoM, Chelsea and Whitney, I always feel like I am carrying around a piece of my boy with me.  When I put them on, the metal touches my neck and chest and I feel like I am sending a love note heavenward, reminding Aiden how much I love him and feeling close to him as I wear a symbol of my love around with me all day long.  Besides my wedding ring, they are my most beloved pieces of jewelry and I am so grateful for the immense thoughtfulness that lead each of these ladies to be so generous and kind.  

In fact, the night that the boys decided to begin their entry into the world, I remember I held the necklace from Whitney tightly in my hand, stroking the words and thinking of my babies and longing to hold them in my arms.  I didn't realize that within a few hours, the long months of this agonizing pregnancy were finally about to be over.

Read the next installment: "The Journey with Twins: The Dream"