Struggling

This weekend was not exactly my favorite.  I was really looking forward to time with the Adams family in Parowan for Labor Day Weekend and things just didn't turn out as planned.  I'm not sure if it was the lack of sleep, the mini-pill that I've been on for about a month, the hormones from breast feeding, the disappointment of changed plans, throwing up twice in three days, too many people in one space, Daphne's thrown off schedule, the stress of moving this month or not spending time with Burke like I had wanted to (probably a combination of all of the above), but I was not at all myself this weekend.  Not only did I manage to get into my first fight with Burke (since being married!) in front of his family, but I also successfully offended all of my in-laws and evoked a family meeting targeted at me.  Yep - not my finest hour.

As we drove home last night and I cried to Burke about how stupid I felt, I just couldn't figure out how it was possible to go from feeling so good one week to so crappy the next.  Two weeks ago I made bread for our neighbors, had a couple of uplifting missionary experiences, did my personal scripture study for an hour each morning, took great care of Daphne, spent some special time with friends, family and spouse and got my "To Do" list done each day.  I felt on top of the world and so in love with my hubby.  This week I had my wake-up scare with Daphne, slaughtered my healthy living goals, didn't manage to do scripture study even once, strained my incision, and then had an awful weekend all because of my own short comings.  I feel so frustrated and wonder if I'll ever get it right.

Basically, I just wanted to write that I am struggling a bit right now.  I feel so incredibly flawed and weak, and when I feel this way, it's hard to not mentally tear myself apart inside or to convince myself that I am a horrible wife, friend, daughter, mother, in-law, church member - you name it!  I don't write this to fish for compliments or reassurance, but just to document that my life is not always smiling babies and beautiful sunsets.  Speaking of, the Daph-o-dill is stirring and with a summer cold she's not too happy herself these days.

Tomorrow will be better.