Rambling & Unfiltered Feelings
*Written on December 12, 2012
I have had a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head lately and a host of emotions churning around inside. I haven't known how to express them or even wanted to express the more intimate ones. But Kristen has inspired me. My darling sister-in-law is 2.5 years younger than me, but sometimes I feel like she is decades ahead of me. She has such a good head on her shoulders and seems to understand so much more about life than I did at her age. She has this amazing blog where she just writes whatever is on her mind. It is raw and honest and beautiful. It has inspired me to strive for a more honest approach to documentation. I often share the beautiful and happy aspects of my life through this outlet, but rarely do I preserve the troubles or sadness. Truthfully, I am a pretty positive person, so when I get sad, it doesn't last very long. But my heart DOES ache from time to time and I want to be better about recording the "less shiny" stuff along with the daily good.
So here it is - a very very long and drawn out post of the things I have been stewing over. It is not pretty, but it is real. It is what I'm thinking and worrying about. Thank you Krissy for giving me courage to simply write what's on my mind.
So, then we think, okay, it's time to find a job that will pay for insurance or at least contribute to it. But then you have all the drama of the job search. Burke is to a point where he wants to be doing really meaningful work - something that makes a difference. But having a Master of Business is a very broad field. He could do anything, which is fantastic. But then again...he could do anything! Does that make sense? Sometimes less options would almost be a relief because we get overwhelmed trying to discuss what kind of work to zone in on. "Well you could do this? Or that? Or this?" And then you have the horrid job process itself. You finally find an open position that seems to fit your goals and your financial needs. Then there is the actual applying, waiting for interviews, feeling good about interviews, making potential plans for moving and imagining what life would be like in that new job/town/etc. Being rejected. Repeat. It hurts my heart a little every time, especially because I know what an amazing worker Burke is and what an asset he would be to any company.
My train of thought goes something like this. Okay, that didn't work out again. The Lord has something different in mind for us. Maybe we have things to accomplish here in Mesquite. After all, we're happy here, we have amazing neighbors, we love this house, we're enmeshed in our callings and working hard to serve those around us. Burke loves the guys he works with and is happy at work. Sure, there are frustrations at work from time to time, but overall he enjoys what he does. Maybe I just need to accept that this is more than a temporary home and make plans accordingly?
But that thought makes me a little sad, because until recently I hadn't realized that I am pretty lonely here. When Daphne is awake and Burke is home, it's fine. We go through our day and love being together as a family. But there isn't a single person here that I could call and say, "Hey, Daphne needs to get out of the house and I am aching for an adult conversation. Can we come chill for a bit?" The large majority of the people in Mesquite are natives to the community and have family roots, meaning they are constantly tied up elsewhere. They have no need of my friendship. In St. George, Burke and I used to have a family over for dinner at least 2 or 3 times a month. We made so many good friends and felt like we were constantly building relationships. We tried to keep that up when we moved here, but after 5 or 6 dinners with no reciprocation or being turned down because people had family commitments, I got burnt out. I felt stupid, like I was thrusting my company on other people and I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with us. So I do my own thing. I go running with Daphne and take her to the park, library or grocery store. We do our thing during the day and are excited when Burke gets home from work so we can all play together. Daphne goes to bed and Burke and I clean up the house, read, exercise, watch movies or talk. Repeat.
Sometimes I go days without seeing anyone but Burke and Daphne. Which of course is wonderful. I don't need a full calendar to be happy, but I have come to realize that I am a social creature. I thrive off of being around others and it is hard for me to feel so isolated. So guess what I turn to...blogging! Ha ha! Can you tell? I had this, "ohhhhhh" moment last week when I realized, "Hey, you might be a little lonely!" Sure enough, I noticed that since we have moved to Mesquite my blog output has skyrocketed in the past year. Yes, it is fun and I love documenting the little things in our lives, but I think it is also a form of socialization for me. Isn't that pathetic? Typing to an empty screen as if there is someone listening to all these thoughts and caring about what our little family does on a weekly basis.
I think that's why I may be itching for change. Although we are so blessed here, I ache to feel wanted, needed and valued. Of course my sweet baby and husband need me and love me and I feel guilty to say it, but I long to do more. Perhaps this is just part of the transition into being a stay-at-home mom. I went from being insanely busy and working towards all these lifelong goals and then suddenly everything shifted to this very slow-paced routine instead. Most days I am completely okay with that. I recognize the value of the work I have here at home, but on days like today, I ache to feel like I am making a difference in the world beyond creating a happy, stable home and family. I don't want to have a job (motherhood is my job), but I do want to be involved in something beyond what I am doing. And I don't know how to do that in a small community where everyone already has their place and I am just an excess piece - not needed and not in use.
Wow, this really is raw. And it's so conflicted. I don't feel like I'm doing my feelings justice. In some ways it feels like a betrayal to say that I ache for something more when I have all that I need here at my fingertips. I have a loving husband, a sweet child, the gospel of Jesus Christ. I try to do what's right. I try to serve other people. I try to be generous and kind. But sometimes I feel like I'm melting away, like everything that I'm trying to do I'm failing at. Often I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I'm not teaching Daphne the way I should. I worry about spoiling her by spending too much time with her. But then I worry about the 20 minutes I let her play on her own while I do my hair. Am I not giving her enough attention? Should we be doing more structured learning activities? Should I try to get her out with other kids? Or often I feel like a bad wife. When I don't cook dinner or when I don't feel cheerful at the end of the day. Don't think for a second that Burke says anything that makes me feel like that is my responsibility, it's just all these high expectations that I have for myself that I never seem to be able to meet. I want Burke to come home and feel happy and relaxed rather than to have a wife who is a downer to come home to if I'm ornery or tired.
Basically, I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel settled right now. I feel like we should be moving forward onto something else, but then I wonder if the Lord needs us to stay put where we are.
I have had a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head lately and a host of emotions churning around inside. I haven't known how to express them or even wanted to express the more intimate ones. But Kristen has inspired me. My darling sister-in-law is 2.5 years younger than me, but sometimes I feel like she is decades ahead of me. She has such a good head on her shoulders and seems to understand so much more about life than I did at her age. She has this amazing blog where she just writes whatever is on her mind. It is raw and honest and beautiful. It has inspired me to strive for a more honest approach to documentation. I often share the beautiful and happy aspects of my life through this outlet, but rarely do I preserve the troubles or sadness. Truthfully, I am a pretty positive person, so when I get sad, it doesn't last very long. But my heart DOES ache from time to time and I want to be better about recording the "less shiny" stuff along with the daily good.
So here it is - a very very long and drawn out post of the things I have been stewing over. It is not pretty, but it is real. It is what I'm thinking and worrying about. Thank you Krissy for giving me courage to simply write what's on my mind.
***
For a while now I have been stressed about our future. I want another baby. Bad. I can feel that there is this little person waiting to come to our family and I am dying to get him/her here. Daphne needs a sibling. She is so nurturing, loving and social. She would be such a great big sister. I want them to be close in age and the best of friends, but each month that goes by means an even larger gap in their age. No, we aren't having complications, we simply aren't trying yet for one very essential, but frustrating reason - we are uninsured. After Daphne spending 5 days in the NICU, our medical bills were insane and we were so immensely grateful for insurance that took care of every.single.penny. Wow. What a blessing. If something like that were to happen again for baby #2, we would be paying medical bill debt for the rest of our life! We've looked into several companies, but we keep getting the same answer - no maternity coverage until after TWELVE months of being insured with them and then they only cover any extreme mishaps. So you pay $4,500 (sometimes more) bucks for insurance BEFORE you can even get preggo and then you still have to pay the $10 - 15,000 bucks for a planned C-section, only help from the insurance if something drastic occurs. We aren't exactly rolling over here, so it would be really difficult for us to pay the monthly insurance fee as it is, which is why we've been hesitating to just jump in and sign up for a plan. So, then we think, okay, it's time to find a job that will pay for insurance or at least contribute to it. But then you have all the drama of the job search. Burke is to a point where he wants to be doing really meaningful work - something that makes a difference. But having a Master of Business is a very broad field. He could do anything, which is fantastic. But then again...he could do anything! Does that make sense? Sometimes less options would almost be a relief because we get overwhelmed trying to discuss what kind of work to zone in on. "Well you could do this? Or that? Or this?" And then you have the horrid job process itself. You finally find an open position that seems to fit your goals and your financial needs. Then there is the actual applying, waiting for interviews, feeling good about interviews, making potential plans for moving and imagining what life would be like in that new job/town/etc. Being rejected. Repeat. It hurts my heart a little every time, especially because I know what an amazing worker Burke is and what an asset he would be to any company.
My train of thought goes something like this. Okay, that didn't work out again. The Lord has something different in mind for us. Maybe we have things to accomplish here in Mesquite. After all, we're happy here, we have amazing neighbors, we love this house, we're enmeshed in our callings and working hard to serve those around us. Burke loves the guys he works with and is happy at work. Sure, there are frustrations at work from time to time, but overall he enjoys what he does. Maybe I just need to accept that this is more than a temporary home and make plans accordingly?
But that thought makes me a little sad, because until recently I hadn't realized that I am pretty lonely here. When Daphne is awake and Burke is home, it's fine. We go through our day and love being together as a family. But there isn't a single person here that I could call and say, "Hey, Daphne needs to get out of the house and I am aching for an adult conversation. Can we come chill for a bit?" The large majority of the people in Mesquite are natives to the community and have family roots, meaning they are constantly tied up elsewhere. They have no need of my friendship. In St. George, Burke and I used to have a family over for dinner at least 2 or 3 times a month. We made so many good friends and felt like we were constantly building relationships. We tried to keep that up when we moved here, but after 5 or 6 dinners with no reciprocation or being turned down because people had family commitments, I got burnt out. I felt stupid, like I was thrusting my company on other people and I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with us. So I do my own thing. I go running with Daphne and take her to the park, library or grocery store. We do our thing during the day and are excited when Burke gets home from work so we can all play together. Daphne goes to bed and Burke and I clean up the house, read, exercise, watch movies or talk. Repeat.
Sometimes I go days without seeing anyone but Burke and Daphne. Which of course is wonderful. I don't need a full calendar to be happy, but I have come to realize that I am a social creature. I thrive off of being around others and it is hard for me to feel so isolated. So guess what I turn to...blogging! Ha ha! Can you tell? I had this, "ohhhhhh" moment last week when I realized, "Hey, you might be a little lonely!" Sure enough, I noticed that since we have moved to Mesquite my blog output has skyrocketed in the past year. Yes, it is fun and I love documenting the little things in our lives, but I think it is also a form of socialization for me. Isn't that pathetic? Typing to an empty screen as if there is someone listening to all these thoughts and caring about what our little family does on a weekly basis.
I think that's why I may be itching for change. Although we are so blessed here, I ache to feel wanted, needed and valued. Of course my sweet baby and husband need me and love me and I feel guilty to say it, but I long to do more. Perhaps this is just part of the transition into being a stay-at-home mom. I went from being insanely busy and working towards all these lifelong goals and then suddenly everything shifted to this very slow-paced routine instead. Most days I am completely okay with that. I recognize the value of the work I have here at home, but on days like today, I ache to feel like I am making a difference in the world beyond creating a happy, stable home and family. I don't want to have a job (motherhood is my job), but I do want to be involved in something beyond what I am doing. And I don't know how to do that in a small community where everyone already has their place and I am just an excess piece - not needed and not in use.
Wow, this really is raw. And it's so conflicted. I don't feel like I'm doing my feelings justice. In some ways it feels like a betrayal to say that I ache for something more when I have all that I need here at my fingertips. I have a loving husband, a sweet child, the gospel of Jesus Christ. I try to do what's right. I try to serve other people. I try to be generous and kind. But sometimes I feel like I'm melting away, like everything that I'm trying to do I'm failing at. Often I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I'm not teaching Daphne the way I should. I worry about spoiling her by spending too much time with her. But then I worry about the 20 minutes I let her play on her own while I do my hair. Am I not giving her enough attention? Should we be doing more structured learning activities? Should I try to get her out with other kids? Or often I feel like a bad wife. When I don't cook dinner or when I don't feel cheerful at the end of the day. Don't think for a second that Burke says anything that makes me feel like that is my responsibility, it's just all these high expectations that I have for myself that I never seem to be able to meet. I want Burke to come home and feel happy and relaxed rather than to have a wife who is a downer to come home to if I'm ornery or tired.
Basically, I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel settled right now. I feel like we should be moving forward onto something else, but then I wonder if the Lord needs us to stay put where we are.
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