#13 - Aiden's Memorial and Burial

*Originally posted in August 28, 2017 - Dates changed so The Journey with Twins posts could all be found in one spot together.

The pediatrician gave us permission to travel with Alan to the memorial and to doctor appointments, but that was it for the first few weeks as he was so miniature that the tightest setting on his carseat still didn't secure him.

The day of the memorial dawned chilly and wet from the remains of an early fall storm during the night.  My parents had arrived the night before bringing numerous arrow themed gifts from my Aunt Pam for each of us to wear - bracelets for the girls and I and a tie tack for Burke which we put on that morning as a subtle tributes to Aiden.  I was moving so slowly and painfully from my c-section just 10 days before and I felt uncomfortable in my transitional postpartum body.  None of my dresses fit right and although I know that wasn't important, I felt frumpy and in pain emotionally and physically before we even left the house.  My Mom got the girls ready for me and I had to smile a bit at the crimpy 90's hair-do Daphne was sporting that day. :)  Alan was still so tiny and frail that he was being drowned out by preemie baby clothes and most of the things we could find were just onesies, nothing to keep him warm from the chilly burst of fall wheather we had been experiencing.  Thankfully my amazing friend Lacie Robinson had sent a package a couple of days before with a sweat suit so at least his arms and legs would be covered.  We also had one long sleeve newborn size onesie that absolutely drowned him, but it was the closest thing to a white church shirt we could get.  In a run of good luck (and extreme kindness) we found a girl in town who was able to print our Aim for Aiden arrow on his onesie the day before the memorial.  Although he stayed bundled up in blankets and zipped in his jacket all day, that special onesie, along with our other subtle jewelry were little ways we felt like we could show extra love for Aiden that day.

Our only photo as a family of 6 as we set up for the memorial.

We arrived at the Parowan LDS church house about 30 minutes early to set up a small display table outside the Relief Society room and to give me time to feed Alan.  I was extremely nervous about having Alan out in public with him being so incredibly tiny.  He had dropped down to 4 and a half pounds and I was so afraid he would be exposed to germs that his little body wouldn't be able to fight off.  We agreed that I would wear him in a baby sling to keep him close to me and away from the germy touches of loving cousins who hadn't seen him yet.  About 15 minutes before we were to start, I went to leave for the mother's lounge to nurse Alan and right as I came out of the room, my sweet niece Sadie was coming in.  Completely taken back by miniature Alan, she ooed over him and then to my horror planted a big kiss on his face - my greatest fear of the day!  I somewhat rudely rushed off with him, almost in tears over the completely innocent incident, but one that had me in intense fear for his health (please remember I was an emotional hurricane during those early weeks).

The display table with "Aim for Aiden" bookmarks for the family to take with them

Unfortunately, Alan wasn't cooperating and didn't eat very well, but I didn't feel I could keep everyone waiting, so I rushed back with him to the Relief Society room, the last one in, so touched to see it full with our families.  We had decided to keep the memorial intimate and private with just our immediate family and I was grateful as I walked through the door that seeing them all made me feel safe and loved rather than anxious.  As I sat down on the front row in front of the table where his casket sat, I noticed an addition that hadn't been there when I left - a black missionary name tag from Mike reminding us that Aiden's mission was different from Alan's.  He had been called to the work on the other side of the veil and was no doubt busy serving our Father in Heaven faithfully and nobly.

A reminder from Burke's brother, Mike, that Aiden was called to serve on the other side of the veil.

Burke and I both wanted to take this opportunity to share our testimonies of the Plan of Happiness (also known as the Plan of Salvation), a key component in the LDS (Mormon) faith.  However, neither of us had a chance in the whirlwind before the memorial to sit down for more than 15 minutes and write out our thoughts.  I think we both felt a little nervous as we realized we didn't have anything polished to share, but chose to stand and share our raw thoughts with hearts overflowing with love, faith and yes, sorrow too.

Aiden's Memorial Program

After a welcoming from Bishop Drew we sang "I Am a Child of God", my mother prayed and it was my turn to open as the first speaker.  I just now looked back in my notes on my phone and found the rough outline I followed for my talk and thought I would post it here for my own memories and to give an idea of what was said instead of trying to rephrase it all.  This a very rough draft and parts were adapted as I spoke, but it gave me a few bullet points to follow as I tried to convey my feelings.

Thoughts to Share at Aiden's Memorial

What do I want our families to know and remember about Aiden?

• His life, although only in utero, had meaning and purpose. We may not know exactly why he did not need to experience mortal life on earth, but we do know that his spirit was here and that same spirit will be linked with our family throughout eternity. 
• In the few brief months that he was a part of our lives Aiden and Alan have managed to teach me some of the most profound lessons of my own life and I want to share just a few.

Things Aiden Taught Me

Faith - from the moment we learned that Aiden was struggling to grow properly at our 20 week apt with the high risk doctor, we turned our hearts with complete faith to the blessing Burke gave me many weeks earlier that the babies would arrive whole and healthy. We clung to that promise and believed with conviction that we would experience a miracle. When things did not turn out the way we hoped, we focused our faith on the reality of the plan of salvation and the knowledge that families can be together forever.

Resilience - Each week as Aiden continued to hold steady, he amazed our doctors with his strength. As I watched our Little Fire fight on, he gave me the strength to be resilient each time we learned of a new challenge. Even though we have been faced with many obstacles this year, we were able to continue on cheerfully because the fight to save Aiden and Alan always put everything into perspective.

Peace in the midst of sorrow - share about Burke's blessing after Aiden passed saying our son was well and that there was mercy in this.  Receiving a sure knowledge that this was according to Heavenly Father's plan.

Hope - Share our experience reading 1 Peter 1:6-9 

• 6 though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations
• 7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.
• 8 Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory.
• 9 Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

Love and Sacrifice - John 15:13 - Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. At the hospital we had no less than 5 nurses who were either a twin themselves or had twins, even our pediatrician we learned is an identical twin. Dr. Dowse came to me and shared some precious thoughts and said emphatically, "Alan needs to know as he grows that there is no doubt his brother sacrificed his life for him."

Share this quote - "Please learn that as you wrestle with a challenge and feel sadness because of it, you can simultaneously have peace and rejoicing. Yes, pain, disappointment, frustration, and anguish can be temporary scenes played out on the stage of life. Behind them there can be a background of peace and the positive assurance that a loving Father will keep His promises." - Robert D Hales (Trust in the Lord-1995)

Of course we are sad that Aiden is not with our family here on earth, but we feel very blessed and full of peace that he will be with us in the eternities that lie ahead.

What will do from here? 

• Aim for Aiden
• Describe Aiden's arrow and our goal to live the gospel to the fullest so we can return to live with him and Jesus Christ.  

End with testimony.

***

As I shared these thoughts with our family, I wept freely, but I also felt strengthened as the Holy Ghost filled me and the entire room with a spirit of peace and calm.  There was no overwhelming sense of grief, just sorrow over this temporary separation and an undercurrent of joy at the knowledge that in the "blink of an eye" according to God's time, we would be together again.

After I shared my thoughts, Dad and our brother-in-law Karl attempted to sing Alan and Aiden's Song, "Aim for You".  It was so very moving.

Daddy and Karl performing Alan and Aiden's Song

Next Burkie stood to share some thoughts.  He started his remarks talking specifically to the children.  Between our two families, we had 24 kids there ages 12 and under and Burke wanted to make sure Aiden's passing wasn't a traumatic experience for them, but a time that could help shape their testimonies as they learned about the reality of The Plan of Salvation through Aiden's passing.

When Burke was about 8 years old, his mother lost a baby at 7 months and had to deliver her stillborn.  They had a private family funeral at which Burke and Mike were the pall bearers of her tiny casket.  They named her Erin and her loss has been a prominent memory from Burke's childhood.  One thing that he has always remembered crystal clear was his Dad using a glove as an object lesson to explain the body and the spirit.

Burke knew he wanted to use that same powerful visual to teach our children and all the nieces and nephews.  He explained that the glove represented our bodies and his hand represented our spirits.  When the spirit and the body are united (here he slipped the glove on his hand), they act as one and the spirit gives life and purpose to the body.  However, when a body dies (here he removed the glove and laid it motionless on the pulpit), the spirit lives on (wiggling and moving his hand around to demonstrate), but the body cannot.  He read a scripture to them about the power of Jesus Christ's atonement and resurrection - that through Christ all might live gain (here bringing the glove and the hand back together again).

As he showed the kids this simple object lesson and asked them questions, they were quick to respond and interact and their little eyes glowed with a comprehension probably deeper than our own.

A few other things I remember Burkie sharing was a passage of scripture in Moroni 8 about little children being "whole" (significant to us due to Burke's initial priesthood blessing that said the babies would come "whole and healthy") and alive in Christ.  He also addressed head on the question that some might have been wondering, as we did initially, why our fasting and prayers weren't answered the way we had hoped.  He shared a bit from Dallin H. Oaks' talk entitled, "The Healing of the Sick" - a meaningful section of which I have included below.


The Will of the Lord

Young men and older men, please take special note of what I will say now. As we exercise the undoubted power of the priesthood of God and as we treasure His promise that He will hear and answer the prayer of faith, we must always remember that faith and the healing power of the priesthood cannot produce a result contrary to the will of Him whose priesthood it is. This principle is taught in the revelation directing that the elders of the Church shall lay their hands upon the sick. The Lord’s promise is that “he that hath faith in me to be healed,and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed” (D+C 42:48). Similarly, in another modern revelation the Lord declares that when one “asketh according to the will of God … it is done even as he asketh” (D+C 46:30).

From all of this we learn that even the servants of the Lord, exercising His divine power in a circumstance where there is sufficient faith to be healed, cannot give a priesthood blessing that will cause a person to be healed if that healing is not the will of the Lord.

As children of God, knowing of His great love and His ultimate knowledge of what is best for our eternal welfare, we trust in Him. The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and faith means trust. I felt that trust in a talk my cousin gave at the funeral of a teenage girl who had died of a serious illness. He spoke these words, which first astonished me and then edified me: “I know it was the will of the Lord that she die. She had good medical care. She was given priesthood blessings. Her name was on the prayer roll in the temple. She was the subject of hundreds of prayers for her restoration to health. And I know that there is enough faith in this family that she would have been healed unless it was the will of the Lord to take her home at this time.” I felt that same trust in the words of the father of another choice girl whose life was taken by cancer in her teen years. He declared, “Our family’s faith is in Jesus Christ and is not dependent on outcomes.” Those teachings ring true to me. We do all that we can for the healing of a loved one, and then we trust in the Lord for the outcome.

***

Burke bore a powerful testimony that we too were not shaken by the outcome of what could be perceived as unanswered prayers.  He affirmed that Aiden's miracle was that he held on for 32 weeks to save his brother's life.  He did such a beautiful job.

Bishop Drew followed up to reiterate the doctrine of eternal families and shared some lovely thoughts.  We then sang "Families Can Be Together Forever" and my father-in-law, Alan, gave the closing prayer.  At that point Burke picked up little Aiden's casket and carried it from the room, down the hall and to the waiting white hearse outside.

We drove in a procession behind the hearse to the Parowan Cemetery where the grass, trees, mountains and sky looked so bright and fresh in the nippy Autumn air.  After Burke carried the casket to the stand, Bishop Drew said a few brief words and turned the time over to Burke.  In a beautiful prayer, Burke dedicated Aiden's grave and made powerful promises of the reuniting of body and spirit at the Savior's Second Coming.  As I looked around at the lovely mountains behind us and the peaceful valley below, I felt how fortunate Aiden boy would be to wake up in such a heavenly place some day.

We all sat quietly contemplating after Burke finished until Alan started fussing.  I realized that due to his poor feeding before the memorial he must be starving.  It was so painful to pull myself away, but I couldn't put my sweet preemie baby off, especially as we were so desperate for him to gain weight and not have to be readmitted to the hospital.  Thankfully, Kristen and Cassie were kind enough to take pictures throughout the memorial and burial and I was so grateful to have these heart rending, but important pictures later as I felt so sad to have to shut myself away in the car to nurse Alan and miss out on this final farewell to our son.

The girls were both struggling off and on throughout the day.  Sometimes I think we don't give children enough credit for how much they take in during times of family sorrow and trials.

As I fed Alan, Lyndee and Hallie began to pick dandelions around the cemetery and carefully placed them in the professional casket topper with sunshine-like pops of yellow to brighten the arrangement.  Soon the vast majority of the kids had bouquets of dandelions.

Burke's Grandma Elaine (97 years old) was very bothered by Aiden's funeral.  She said to a few family members that it wasn't right - that she was supposed to be the one in the casket.  She had been "ready to go" for a couple of years and was so sad to see a great grandson laid to rest.  Little did we know, Grandma would join Aiden in heaven just about 6 months later.

I was just about to cut Alan's feeding off early so I wouldn't have to miss out on the moment when my sister Cassie came hustling over to the car and said urgently, "I'm sorry to interrupt Em, but Burke needs you.  He's crying."  

Up until then I had held things together fairly well throughout the day, but it made me sick to hear that I was missing out on being there for my Burkie, my rock who had not let a single tear fall in my presence through all of the turmoil of the past several month.  I quickly put myself back together and wrapped Alan up tight in blankets to keep the chilly wind from reaching him and shuffled back to the grave as fast as my c-section scar would allow, surprised to now see the uncovered hole and the casket down inside.  I felt that this was very unusual, thinking that at most burials the funeral workers wait until everyone is gone to uncover the grave and lower the casket down.  I was heartbroken thinking I had missed part of the burial that I hadn't known we were going to do.  

Burke informed me later that after about 15 minutes of everyone quietly pondering at the graveside, Burke asked the funeral attendant how he would get the casket down.  He said normally they had a boom to lower adult size caskets down, but he planned to put the casket down himself.  Burke asked if he needed any help and the man confessed that he wasn't certain if he could heft the heavy cement vault lid down on top afterwards.  Burke offered to help and the attendant gratefully accepted.  Again, I was very grateful that later I had these pictures to help ease the pain of those feelings of "missing out" on this unplanned change of events.

Burke lowering Aiden's casket into the ground.

The Adams men, plus my Dad, helping to lower the extremely heavy concrete vault lid down into the grave.

In the previous post I mentioned that Mike had taken it upon himself to paint the vault white for us so Burke wouldn't have to go back to Parowan when we were down to the wire with preparations.  At the same time Mike had very thoughtfully added some lettering with Aiden's name on top of the vault lid as well.

At this point, Burke said that as he stood back and looked at the tiny casket surrounded by red dirt, the reality and grief of losing our little boy hit him in full force.  For the first time all walls broke down, the sorrow unleashed and he began to sob.  I still feel full of regret that I was not there to hold him as he wept, but how very grateful I am that his mother was.

Shortly after I joined him and we grieved together while holding our Alan boy and wondering how different his life would be as a twinless twin versus traveling through this life side by side.  How different all of our lives would be.

At this time when my grief felt most intense, the innocence of the children came to the rescue.  Our sweet nieces and nephews began to lovingly toss their hilarious bouquets of dandelions into the grave, blowing kisses and then (the tiny ones) running off to play tag and explore the other headstones.  Their joy in the midst of this sorrow was such a sweet reminder that life would go on and that there was much happiness ahead to be enjoyed.

As I smiled while watching the dandelions rain down, my Mom came up behind me and softly whispered, "Are you ok with this?"  I thought she was referring to the dandelions and nodded my head with a smile.  However, later that day I learned she was actually referring to my darling Daphne girl who, unbeknownst to Burke and I, was squatting at our feet dangling a giant worm over the grave and eventually threw it down on top, the absolute perfect gesture of love to her little brother from our future entomologist and bug loving fanatic!  Again I say, thank goodness for the innocence of children!

I was SO delighted that they got this series of pictures of Daphne with her worm!

At last the cold began to get to all of us and I worried how "Big Al" was feeling and we slowly filed away from the graveside.  As we did so, I saw the touching scene below of Burke's youngest brother, Brett, embracing his Dad and weeping freely.

As strange as it sounds, that sight was a great comfort to me.  I realized that Aiden had meant something to more than just Burke, the girls, and I.  Even though our family members never saw him, they loved him and were truly mourning with us and looking forward with faith to the day when we would all get to be with him again.  That knowledge brought me more peace than I can say.

As we left the cemetery, I heaved a deep, bone weary sigh.  What a journey.  What an exhausting, gut wrenching, soul stretching odyssey we had traveled.  I felt so very old, so very tired and yet, so very blessed.  

And so our story ends as it began: I am the mother of a twinless twin.  But do not be mistaken. I am the mother twins, eternally bound to me and one another despite one's residence in heaven and one on earth.  Yet my mother heart, and my earth-bound babe will always feel, will always know that in this life we must travel...twinles...until we meet again.