You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Married

 Little Emily and Burke - April 2009

I read a wonderful article a few days ago entitled, "Marriage Is For Losers" that reminded me of the best advice Burke and I received as an engaged couple.  I don't remember exactly who said it or even the precise words used, but the concept has stayed with me and helped us to build a wonderful foundation for our marriage.  Basically, the man said, "If you care more about harmony in your marriage than being right, you will be a very happy couple."

I have reflected on this time and time again when I "KNOW" I am right and am tempted to argue a point to the death just for the "principle" of the thing, however on thinking about this advice, I try to swallow my pride and squelch that burning desire to be right.  Just like this man promised, it has saved us from pointless bickering that could easily create a wedge in our marriage.  Not to say we always manage to remember this in the heat of the moment, but the more we practice, the better we get at remaining in harmony.

All that to say that I absolutely loved this article because I felt it reiterated that advice from nearly 3 years ago and reminded me that in marriage it is okay to be the "loser".  I was especially touched by the following story the author told to emphasis his point:

Lately, when my blood is bubbling, when I just know I’ve been misunderstood and neglected, and I’m ready to do just about anything to convince and win what I deserve, I try to remember a phone call we recently received from my son’s second grade teacher. She called us one day after school to tell us there had been an incident in gym class. After a fierce athletic competition, in which the prize was the privilege to leave the gym first, my son’s team had lost. The losers were standing by, grumbling and complaining about second-grade-versions of injustice, as the victors filed past. And that’s when my son started to clap. He clapped for the winners as they passed, with a big dopey grin on his face and a smile stretched from one ear of his heart to the other.  His startled gym teacher quickly exhorted the rest of his team to follow suit. So, a bunch of second grade losers staged a rebellion, giving a rousing ovation for their victorious peers, and in doing so, embraced the fullness of what it can mean to be a loser. When I’m seething, I try to remember the heart of a boy, a heart that can lose graciously and reach out in affection to the victors.

In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heart ache rather than a solution. It’s being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times. It’s finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that you’re right and they are wrong. It’s doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego. It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily. It is eliminating anything from your life, even the things you love, if they are keeping you from attending, caring, and serving. It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy-making things about your partner because, you remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first place. It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionally—because they are a broken creature, too—and loving them to the end anyway.

I want to be a better loser - how bout you?