To the Limit
I think Daphne must know when I have reached the end of my rope and am on the verge of writing an overwhelmed post about parenting a difficult child, because before I can get my thoughts out on the blog, she suddenly transforms into an angel for a few days, making the past several weeks of horrendous parenting seem like a bad dream. But I will not be deterred this time - present good behavior will not dull the turmoil she has recently subjected us to!
Some of you may have been spared the Strong Bad craze of the late 90's/early 2000's, so this reference may seem a little weird, however I remember sitting in typing class pretending to have my hands "keyboard ready" when Nate Ballam or Reggie Nyman would covertly pull up a Strong Bad Email sending us all into fits of laughter until Mr. Anderson would track down the culprit and put an end to our fun with typing drills. One Strong Bad tune that has always stuck with me from these 7th grade goof-offs is, "Everybody to the limit!" which I still blurt out from time to time (accompanied with sweet dance moves to boot). This past week, "To the Limit" may as well have been my new theme song, because Daphne had pushed my every last button to the absolute LIMIT.
(Don't torture yourself with the whole song - just listen to
the "to the limit" part to know what I'm referring to)
I have discovered a vicious cycle in my small one that when she is sleep deprived, rather than crashing and reverting back to longer naps, she instead vetos the whole sleeping concept altogether. In many ways, Burke and I are the ones to blame. For one solid month during the holidays, Daphne never had more than 2 days of a regular schedule without either visitors during her naptime, late nights with family and friends and spotty meal times. We'd have a day or two of normalcy and try to recover from the previous whirlwind, but just when she'd be about to regain her balance we'd whisk her off to another late night. Hence, after just a few days, our sweetheart turned into a monster.
Over the past month she has been whiny, disobedient, irrational and downright mean.
One night we were in Parowan during Christmas break and all of Daphne's cousins were downstairs building lovely Lego creations. Every few minutes we'd hear screams of "Daphne! NOOOO!!" Either Burke or I would rush downstairs to find our Godzilla-Baby destroying their projects or throwing legos at the girls. She didn't seem to care one bit that she was driving them bonkers or that we were getting increasingly upset with her. Not long after, the girls came upstairs and were handing out invitations to a Lego Party in the basement that we were all invited to at 7:30 sharp. Guess who was the only person in the entire house NOT invited. You guessed it. My unruly offspring.
I have to say, having your child turn into the bully is quite possibly one of the hardest things I have experienced thus far as a parent. You know how amazing your child can be. You see them on their normal days and know how delightful, smart, funny and all around pleasant they are to be with. You adore them and naturally want everyone else to see their goodness too. And then suddenly they're acting like a complete savage in front of friends and family, making enemies, destroying the peace, embarrassing their parents. For me, this results in a wet pillow each night as I cry to Burke wondering what I am doing wrong as a mother!
It hurts to see your child not being included. But it hurts even more to know they deserve it. I wouldn't want her at my Lego party after her track record either.
Sweet Lyndee came up to Burke that night and said by way of explanation, "Um, Uncle Burke, we're not inviting Daphne to our party because she'll just ruin everything."
Ugh. Punch to the gut. I almost started crying right then and there. It had been an exhausting week for me and we'd had a similar scenario to this with Daphne every day we were with the extended family. I didn't blame my nieces one bit, but my heart ached to know that they didn't want anything to do with my little girl. Where did my sunshine baby go?!
Fast forward a few days. Daphne is waking up 2 and 3 times a night. She seems to be screaming and whining about every little thing. She'll fall to the ground repeatedly in bawling fits when she asks me a question and I can't understand it through the whining. I begin to get mad. Like flaming mad. I have not been teaching my daughter to act like a spoiled little brat! Or have I unknowingly? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!
One day I finally swat her little bum at the peak of my frustration. I want to crawl into a hole and die of shame. "WE DON'T HIT DAPHNE!" (While landing a quick smack to her rear!) How can my daughter possibly learn to control her anger, to communicate her feelings rather than lashing out if her mother can't get a handle on her own emotions?
Fast forward a few more days. Things are not improving much. No nap Monday while we're snowmobiling. No nap Tues-Thurs because we're watching other people's children and she can't sleep while a little baby (with major separation anxiety) howls nonstop for over 2 hours. No naps Friday or Saturday. And to add insult to injury, we now have 1:00 church, right when she would be sleeping. By the time we get to church on Sunday, the kid is a train wreck.
I had recently read a parenting article that said if you take your kid out in the hall at church then you should never put them down or they will think they can misbehave in the chapel and get a free pass out to the foyer to play. So when Daph starts to flip out, I take her out in the hall, determined to keep her in my arms until she calms down and we can return to our seats. However, once we're in the hall and she's squirming around in my arms, she suddenly turns and faces me dead on, cocks her arm waaaaay back behind her head and slaps me square across the face! Are you kidding me?
I was so angry, humiliated and, quite honestly, completely at a loss as to how to handle the situation. I ended up pinning her arms until she had calmed down, returned to the chapel and proceeded to sob silently for 10 minutes.
An hour later after a nice Sunday School class without Daphne (she was supposedly happily playing in nursery), we were about to start Relief Society when in comes our exhausted looking nursery leader, who says Daphne can no longer be in nursery for the rest of the day. I didn't get the details, but it sounds like she was just being stubborn and unmanageable. Have you ever heard of a kid getting kicked out of nursery before?! I sure haven't!
At this point I'm thinking I have got to be the worst mother on the planet. I am mortified by my daughter's behavior, but what's worse is I have no idea how to correct it. Burke ended up taking Daphne home and having a long discussion (Lecture? Is it considered a lecture if it seems to go in one ear and out the other?) with her about obedience. We had a long discussion that night on what we could do better as parents. We had an equally long prayer to our Heavenly Father, pleading for help as we chart these unknown waters of parenthood. Exhausted, we put Miss Daphne to bed EARLY on Sunday night and she woke up Monday...suddenly normal again. What?!
Right when I was about to have a major come apart, she has been an absolute dream the last two days. She has slept all through the night, eaten heartily at all her meals, taken her naps, played nicely for 2 hours at a play date today, helped me with the dishes, brushed her teeth with no complaints, had zero potty accidents, and even told me a few jokes. There has almost no whining and zero sobbing fits. Again...what?!
I'm not sure what brought about the complete 180, but I am desperate to ensure this kind of garbage doesn't happen again. Three things we changed in the past few days were implementing a chore chart, discussing respect frequently throughout the day and (due to my sister Chelsea's wonderful example) reading to her from the Book of Mormon at the breakfast table. We've been reading from the children's scriptures each morning for over a year now because I thought she wouldn't be able to understand the real scriptures. I don't know if she's getting anything from my reading, but at least it makes me start the day with the right spirit.
There really is no conclusion to this post. I simply thought it was important to document this challenging period. Needless to say, the past few weeks have kicked my butt! If you have any parenting suggestions, especially for an only child, I am all ears.
How could someone so tiny and darling cause so much upheaval?
Comments
Also, if the issue is not life threatening, or if it does not affect the parent directly, it is usually better not to say, "no." It just becomes a control issue, which you do not want. Avoid control battles if possible.
One thing I tried was to distract them from potential problems by offering some other way of doing something. Like with the legos maybe sitting by her and showing her how much fun they can be to play with. Kind of avoiding the problem before it happens.
Anyway, enough of my rambling. I certainly am not the perfect parent but have had lots of experience.
Good luck! You are an awesome mom and I enjoy watching you parent!
for a reason!
It helps me to relate my parenting to the relationship I have with Heavenly Father. We know that there are consequences to every choice we make, but for the most part we don't make our choices because of those consequences (at least I am noticing more and more that consequences don't stop people who want to go against God's commandments). We try to obey Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because they love us so much and because we love them.
When Jesus is helping those who misbehave he comforts them first and then he helps them turn away from their behavior. OF COURSE little children don't sin--but that is just another reason why we should show them love as they learn to behave. I feel like I should teach as Jesus did--by example.
Consequences--YES! Freedom to choose--ESSENTIAL! But I feel like I should always, always show love as I parent. I sometimes feel pressure to take the love out and emphasize punishment, and it can work for a few years, but when they are teenagers they will need a more compelling reason to behave than fear of punishment.
When I look at these "answers" I feel like I have more questions than ever--like, "How do I apply this to my everyday life?" But I find the answers each day as I ask for help in prayer. And when I mess up (constantly), I repent! I hope this doesn't sound preachy. Like I said in the beginning, these are the answers for me and for my children. I trust you will find your own answers for your sweet child(ren). You are a good mom and Daphne is blessed to have you. We miss and love you!!