The Importance of Keeping Our Marriages Strong
I don't know how I came across it, but I have been following this blog for a little while and I just love it. I love her written voice and her honesty and content. I love reading about someone else who loves Jesus Christ and isn't afraid to talk about it, even if we don't belong to the same church. So today I clicked on her blog to see her latest post and was shocked to learn that she and her adorable little family had been through the wringer a few years ago when she discovered her husband was having an affair. Talk about gut-wrenching. I had to go back and read the story (found here) and then the side stories following about recovering from that experience as an individual, a couple and a family (if you want to read more check out the label "marriage" on her side bar and scroll to the bottom and work your way up).
I don't know about you, but infidelity in marriage is probably the most terrifying thought to me. To think of my best friend, my love, my companion with another person makes me want to throw up. Once I found a necklace in our car that wasn't mine and I teasingly (but kind of freaking out a little inside) asked Burke where it came from. Turns out it was his sisters who had left it in our car when we gave her a ride the week before. What a dork I am to even get suspicious. My Burkie is the most loyal and honest person I know. But would you freak out too? Maybe even just a little until you knew who the necklace belonged to?
I think we are almost conditioned to be suspicious with the kind of garbage that we hear about going on all the time. It is so sad to me that our society makes infidelity seem normal or sometimes even acceptable. As Jami (from the blog I just mentioned) said so well, sometimes in movies they even make it out as if the affair is the "only way" for one partner to be truly happy because they love a third party more than their spouse. This is so incredibly false and is a message that Satan wants us to believe to excuse sin on our part, justifying that you are just searching for "happiness" and that you will find it somewhere outside of the spouse and family.
I'm starting to rant, but I decided today would be a good day to write about why and how my marriage has been as wonderful as it is. We have a good marriage. This isn't because either of us are perfect or we make wazooko bucks or have incredibly hot bods (ha!). I would attribute our successful marriage to 3 things: communication, faith and service.
Communication
Before Burke and I even got married we had some pretty heart-wrenching conversations. We had both made mistakes prior to meeting each other - done things we weren't proud of - things that would be so easy to try and hide and pretend never happened. Instead we told the truth. We brought the skeletons out of the closet and examined them from all angels. It was painful. It certainly wasn't pretty. But it was so necessary. Neither of us wanted to begin our marriage with secrets and I am so grateful to this day that we chose the route we did and exposed ourselves in the most unattractive way so we could become more united and understanding of each other through the process.
We did not go into our marriage with rose colored glasses on, which is the only way I would recommend doing it. There were no nasty surprises later (except for the fact that Burke likes to cut his fingernails with scissors and leave them on the desk - ew) and no confessions to be made months or years later.
HOWEVER, those experiences taught us early on that communication is essential to a good marriage. Consequently, we do it often. My father is a psychologist, so really, Burke had no choice in this matter anyway. :) We check up on each other - frequently. If I make an impulse buy online, I confess. If Burke sees a Victoria's Secret ad on a side bar while reading the news, we talk about it. Pornography is every-flippin-where. It makes me sick. I wish I could shield my sweetheart from the sleeze, but I know inevitably he will see things. I am so grateful that when he does, even if it's hours before we see each other, he will always tell me. There are no lies and no secrets, even when it can be painful.
Faith
Since day one Burke and I have spent every morning and every night praying as a couple. We study the scriptures together daily. We serve in the temple (weekly before Daphne was born, now on a monthly basis). We try to live what we believe. We try to serve in our ward to be Christ-like to each other and to our neighbors, to do acts of service, to avoid bad music/movies, etc. Our faith is without a doubt the central theme of our lives. We feel so blessed to be members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and know that trying to live the gospel is what brings a spirit of love, joy and peace into our home.
Service
And finally, service is what keeps the love alive. I learned early on that Burke is not a man of huge romantic gestures. I do not often receive flowers or chocolates, but when I do I am extremely appreciative. No, Burke serves me daily in the little things, like making me a mug of hot chocolate or giving me a massage. He serves me by reading books together or setting down whatever he's doing so I can have his "undivided attention." And I serve him too. I put extra mayo in the tunafish (even though I think it's gross), leave him cheesy love notes and turn off the lamp so he doesn't have to get out of bed. Such simple things, right? But they make ALL the difference in the world.
I didn't mean for this post to turn into a "look how great my marriage is" kind of post, but when I read about Jami's experience today, it just made me so overwhelmingly grateful for my husband and our marriage. I am so grateful for the patterns of communication, faith and service that we established from the very start so we could have a good marriage. Please don't misunderstand - we certainly have our issues and our shortcomings. I do things that annoy him and he sometimes irks me, but we deal and ignore the things that aren't so attractive about one another so we can focus on the things that are so beautiful and endearing.
As Jami said, the affair didn't happen overnight. It is a slow slippery path that starts with simple flirtations or a facebook message or a text, but these things build and build until you have lost everything that is of real value - namely your family, your good name and your faith. I know that if we do not focus on staying close to each other and God that something horrific like infidelity could happen even to us. We can't think we're exempt from temptations just because things are so good right now. I love my Burkie and I want to continue to be married to him through this life and into eternity. I was grateful today for the reminder to hold my husband a little bit closer today and make sure he knows how much he is loved. I encourage you to do the same!
I don't know about you, but infidelity in marriage is probably the most terrifying thought to me. To think of my best friend, my love, my companion with another person makes me want to throw up. Once I found a necklace in our car that wasn't mine and I teasingly (but kind of freaking out a little inside) asked Burke where it came from. Turns out it was his sisters who had left it in our car when we gave her a ride the week before. What a dork I am to even get suspicious. My Burkie is the most loyal and honest person I know. But would you freak out too? Maybe even just a little until you knew who the necklace belonged to?
I think we are almost conditioned to be suspicious with the kind of garbage that we hear about going on all the time. It is so sad to me that our society makes infidelity seem normal or sometimes even acceptable. As Jami (from the blog I just mentioned) said so well, sometimes in movies they even make it out as if the affair is the "only way" for one partner to be truly happy because they love a third party more than their spouse. This is so incredibly false and is a message that Satan wants us to believe to excuse sin on our part, justifying that you are just searching for "happiness" and that you will find it somewhere outside of the spouse and family.
I'm starting to rant, but I decided today would be a good day to write about why and how my marriage has been as wonderful as it is. We have a good marriage. This isn't because either of us are perfect or we make wazooko bucks or have incredibly hot bods (ha!). I would attribute our successful marriage to 3 things: communication, faith and service.
Communication
Before Burke and I even got married we had some pretty heart-wrenching conversations. We had both made mistakes prior to meeting each other - done things we weren't proud of - things that would be so easy to try and hide and pretend never happened. Instead we told the truth. We brought the skeletons out of the closet and examined them from all angels. It was painful. It certainly wasn't pretty. But it was so necessary. Neither of us wanted to begin our marriage with secrets and I am so grateful to this day that we chose the route we did and exposed ourselves in the most unattractive way so we could become more united and understanding of each other through the process.
We did not go into our marriage with rose colored glasses on, which is the only way I would recommend doing it. There were no nasty surprises later (except for the fact that Burke likes to cut his fingernails with scissors and leave them on the desk - ew) and no confessions to be made months or years later.
HOWEVER, those experiences taught us early on that communication is essential to a good marriage. Consequently, we do it often. My father is a psychologist, so really, Burke had no choice in this matter anyway. :) We check up on each other - frequently. If I make an impulse buy online, I confess. If Burke sees a Victoria's Secret ad on a side bar while reading the news, we talk about it. Pornography is every-flippin-where. It makes me sick. I wish I could shield my sweetheart from the sleeze, but I know inevitably he will see things. I am so grateful that when he does, even if it's hours before we see each other, he will always tell me. There are no lies and no secrets, even when it can be painful.
Faith
Since day one Burke and I have spent every morning and every night praying as a couple. We study the scriptures together daily. We serve in the temple (weekly before Daphne was born, now on a monthly basis). We try to live what we believe. We try to serve in our ward to be Christ-like to each other and to our neighbors, to do acts of service, to avoid bad music/movies, etc. Our faith is without a doubt the central theme of our lives. We feel so blessed to be members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and know that trying to live the gospel is what brings a spirit of love, joy and peace into our home.
Service
And finally, service is what keeps the love alive. I learned early on that Burke is not a man of huge romantic gestures. I do not often receive flowers or chocolates, but when I do I am extremely appreciative. No, Burke serves me daily in the little things, like making me a mug of hot chocolate or giving me a massage. He serves me by reading books together or setting down whatever he's doing so I can have his "undivided attention." And I serve him too. I put extra mayo in the tunafish (even though I think it's gross), leave him cheesy love notes and turn off the lamp so he doesn't have to get out of bed. Such simple things, right? But they make ALL the difference in the world.
I didn't mean for this post to turn into a "look how great my marriage is" kind of post, but when I read about Jami's experience today, it just made me so overwhelmingly grateful for my husband and our marriage. I am so grateful for the patterns of communication, faith and service that we established from the very start so we could have a good marriage. Please don't misunderstand - we certainly have our issues and our shortcomings. I do things that annoy him and he sometimes irks me, but we deal and ignore the things that aren't so attractive about one another so we can focus on the things that are so beautiful and endearing.
As Jami said, the affair didn't happen overnight. It is a slow slippery path that starts with simple flirtations or a facebook message or a text, but these things build and build until you have lost everything that is of real value - namely your family, your good name and your faith. I know that if we do not focus on staying close to each other and God that something horrific like infidelity could happen even to us. We can't think we're exempt from temptations just because things are so good right now. I love my Burkie and I want to continue to be married to him through this life and into eternity. I was grateful today for the reminder to hold my husband a little bit closer today and make sure he knows how much he is loved. I encourage you to do the same!
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